Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dude, Just Call it What It Is


Oh the joys of magazine subscriptions.  Love the mailbox full of glossy faces of bright eyed babes.  But seriously?  These days?  Like I have time to read them.  Pshaw.

But, I can't keep myself away from the dang back page.  What is it about the so-called "Baby Bloopers" that draw me in?  Like I haven't read every combination of child said embarrassing statement (insert: in line at grocery store/at great-grand-nana's house/in front of teacher).  Just like I have probably seen every episode of A Baby Story, I have also read every possible combination blooper.

Or so I thought.

Because now?  Now, it seems that each story has got to be the biggest ol' bragfest evah.  Like even more than a (gasp) blog.  :)

They all come with obnoxiously braggy-odd names.  And they all seem to be doing obnoxiously more bragalicious-odd stuff.

Example:  Last week my daughter Suri-Reese was getting a tad tired while waiting for her older brother Socrates Phoenix to finish his Mandarin Jumprope lessons.  Poor Suri-Reese was past her nap time and almost out of organic goat's milk cheese puffs.  Much to my dismay, would you believe it?  Suri-Reese, a mere 13 months old, actually (gasp) peed in her hand-made overalls.  I mean, can you believe my embarrassment?  She has been potty-trained for 6 months, and then this?  Did I mention it was during Mandarin Jumprope lessons?  


Or:  When my Mother-In-Law was visiting us from Ireland, my 2 and a half year old son Daiytona was demonstrating his recitation of The Constitution.  Suddenly my Mother-in-Law went into cardiac arrest.  Daiytona called for his his 4 year old sister, Ameelyia, who was doing tai chi at the time, to grab the defibrillator to help Grand-Nana.  In the meantime, Daiytona performed CPR but, forgot the proper compression to ventilation ratio!  Fortunately, Ameelyia and Daiytona's younger sister Shamalie, 9 months was able to successfully call 911.  Grand-Nana still laughs at Daiytona's silly mistake!

For crying out loud.  Just call it  "Does Your Child Have This Many Vowels In Her Name, and How Shitty of A Parent Are You?"

Yeah, I'm all talk though.  Next month, I'll be turning straight to the back cover, again.  

15 comments:

Kelli said...

Jamie, that was so funny. I have tears. I read those back pages all the time too!

Burgh Baby said...

Dude, I love you. That is all.

Marlys said...

Did you really mean to make me laugh so hard that I spit Sun Chips across my desk (and yes, they are a breakfast food because...whole grains?) I love the pictures that go with the creative writing, too!

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

Dude, you got game.

katydidnot said...

will you marry us? because suri-reese.

you are funny and shit.

Kat said...

HAHAHA!!! You crack me up!
I love those "embarrassing" stories too. The non-braggy ones, that is.
And I love Baby Story too. ;)

Karen said...

What is it with us being addicted to others' trainwrecks.

And have I ever told you the story of my son Mikaiha? He once...

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I hate it when they forget the compression to ventilation ratio--not that MY kids ever make that mistake.

Krystyn said...

That was hilarious?

And, I love the names, too!

I hope my kids never make those mistakes..especially when eating their homemade organic baby food!

My Ice Cream Diary said...

Blooper Brag, I hate it too. Either really mess up or just keep it to yourself. Like when a girl says she messed up her diet by eating an extra square of dark chocolate. Whatev! A diet isn't messed up until you find yourself hiding krispie kreme doughnuts in ziplock bags all around the house. (Not that I'd ever do that).

Kori said...

Just loving the comment above mine...I say as I am stashing yet one more jellybean wrapper under my desk....

~Swankymama said...

Those pictures are priceless! :o)

Laski said...

Jamie--who are these people and on which planet do they reside?

Please. Enough with the braggy weirdness. ENOUGH.

We get it. Your kid is special. Now leave us alone.

Geesh . . .

rhubarbwhine said...

Hey, stalked you from mary's - I see we have a lot in common. Love your blog - I'll be back!

Trish said...

What? I didn't get it. Henry Bucephelus Elrod III, kept interrupting me with his banjo while I was trying to read your post.