Sunday, March 7, 2010

When You Just Know


42.6 % = HIV/AIDS rate

29 = Life expectancy age

200,000 = orphans

15,000 = orphan-headed households

I must go.
Been holding this secret for some time.
Finally, my stirring has a home.

Heart for Africa has called on me. He has called on me.

Please stop by my trip page...

I am so humbled to join this mission. Much more to share, but can't hold the secret any longer.

Friday, February 12, 2010


When I squint, and look off into the distance, I just might be able to see it.
And then. It's gone.

If I hold my breath, close my eyes, pray, wish, daydream; I can almost reach it.
And then. I exhale.

I say it out loud. I say it to myself. I talk in my sleep.
And then. I awaken.

If I am honest with myself, I know that I want to live intimately. Need to live intimately. But in that honesty I realize that I may not know how. I long for closeness, and yet find paralysis in attention. I crave affection yet push away romance. I am alone, but not lonely. I am lonely, but not alone.

And perhaps only a woman can relate to the dissonance repeating in upending tones. Or maybe I shouldn't pull women into my madness. But why can't I make up my damn mind? Some days I feel so certain. Certain that I have made many mistakes. Certain that I will regret these mistakes. Certain that my longing will never cease. Other times I am equally certain that they are not mistakes, rather chapters which will ultimately lead to falling action and resolution.

I don't pretend there is a "happily ever after." I know better, and I dare not dream for such. However, there is a version, a version I can see...when my breathing slows and my mind clears, one that resembles the happy ending.

I don't fault myself for having optimism. Or even for living with doubt. It is through these questions that one day, I believe, I will find my truth.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Ex Marks the Spot

It deserves to be said, that I pretty much have the best ex-husband ever. I mean this in all sincerity. Ex-spouse is a term we tend to avoid; as it carries such negativity in its perception. We are co-parenting partners, and better yet, friends.

While the details of our situation remain private, it can be said that I find tremendous comfort in knowing that our children are in loving and capable hands, in either home. For this, I am entirely grateful. The friendship that has developed from living separately is intense, honest, uplifting, and just down-right cool.

It is our hope, that when we marry, it is forever. And while our forever comes wrapped in a very unique package, I do truly know that it is a forever built on love and mutual respect. {This can be said with a smile in my heart, maybe because we can send each other's ass a mile down the road when we disagree. Heh} As we redefine our forever, I am filled with a gratitude that our children will always be our greatest privilege and priority.

So today, Patrick... it should be said... thank you for being my forever.
{And yes, I'll take the dog again so you can go on a date, but can you trade days while I go to Vegas for a night, and sure let's go to the so-and-so's party together, and make sure you make her your delicious salmon, and yes I went out with that guy, and can you remember to get Chase a haircut, and sure I'll cut their toenails because I know that's hard for you, and thank you for getting the teachers' a gift and...}

Tuesday, January 5, 2010