Endurance

When I squint, and look off into the distance, I just might be able to see it.

And then. It's gone.

If I hold my breath, close my eyes, pray, wish, daydream; I can almost reach it.

And then. I exhale.

I say it out loud. I say it to myself. I talk in my sleep.

And then. I awaken.

If I am honest with myself, I know that I want to live intimately. Need to live intimately. But in that honesty I realize that I may not know how. I long for closeness, and yet find paralysis in attention. I crave affection yet push away romance. I am alone, but not lonely. I am lonely, but not alone.

And perhaps only a woman can relate to the dissonance repeating in upending tones. Or maybe I shouldn't pull women into my madness. But why can't I make up my damn mind? Some days I feel so certain. Certain that I have made many mistakes. Certain that I will regret these mistakes. Certain that my longing will never cease. Other times I am equally certain that they are not mistakes, rather chapters which will ultimately lead to falling action and resolution.

I don't pretend there is a "happily ever after." I know better, and I dare not dream for such. However, there is a version, a version I can see...when my breathing slows and my mind clears, one that resembles the happy ending.

I don't fault myself for having optimism. Or even for living with doubt. It is through these questions that one day, I believe, I will find my truth.

Ex Marks the Spot

It deserves to be said, that I pretty much have the best ex-husband ever. I mean this in all sincerity. Ex-spouse is a term we tend to avoid; as it carries such negativity in its perception. We are co-parenting partners, and better yet, friends.

While the details of our situation remain private, it can be said that I find tremendous comfort in knowing that our children are in loving and capable hands, in either home. For this, I am entirely grateful. The friendship that has developed from living separately is intense, honest, uplifting, and just down-right cool.

It is our hope, that when we marry, it is forever. And while our forever comes wrapped in a very unique package, I do truly know that it is a forever built on love and mutual respect. {This can be said with a smile in my heart, maybe because we can send each other's ass a mile down the road when we disagree. Heh} As we redefine our forever, I am filled with a gratitude that our children will always be our greatest privilege and priority.

So today, Patrick... it should be said... thank you for being my forever.

{And yes, I'll take the dog again so you can go on a date, but can you trade days while I go to Vegas for a night, and sure let's go to the so-and-so's party together, and make sure you make her your delicious salmon, and yes I went out with that guy, and can you remember to get Chase a haircut, and sure I'll cut their toenails because I know that's hard for you, and thank you for getting the teachers' a gift and...}

And So It Is...

Part of the Journey

A loving person

lives in

a loving world.

A hostile person

lives in

a hostile world.

Everyone you meet

is your mirror.

-Ken Keyes Jr.

Handbook to Higher Consciousness

Success is a journey

not a destination -

half the fun is getting there.

-Gita Bellin

Dumbo

A certain little birthday girl and birthday boy just turned one whole hand's worth of 1-2-3-4-5! Holy Moly. Five?!

Maybe it's the nostalgia of creating family five years ago. Maybe it's spending the day at "The Happiest Place on Earth." And maybe I'm just all kinds of mixed up and wacky. Maybe.

Or maybe, maybe our divorce will save our marriage.

There's a certain comfort in being a family of four. There's a certain peace in being able to communicate better now, than in the past months...years. There's a certain insanity when an (ex) husband and wife share dating stories with one another.

Although there are no certain answers, we have found a way to continue to grow. As individuals. As a couple. For this, I am grateful. Grateful and entirely crazy. Who knows what will be ahead. But damn, I could really use a map right now...

...'cause I'm feeling kinda Dumbo.

Just Write

When there is so much to say, there is only way way to begin...

Just write.

When there are feelings to consider, conflicting sentiments of readers, or perhaps no readers at all...

Just write.

When your heart is confused or happy or longing or joyful...

Just write.

There is a girl who has never been single. Never. Not for a glimpse of a moment really. It's hard to explain why. A good friend told me, just today, not to search for why. I will try to take her advice. I will search for what. What has brought me here. Right. Here. What does it feel like to be here. Right. Here.

Had I written weeks ago, the words would have tumbled out in bursts of excitement and giggles. That's how it goes with writing, with journeys; the bursts are replaced with calm and the calm replaced by memories.

I have this thing where I find a man, make him fall in love with me, make myself fall in love with him, and then... marry him. I forget to choose. I forget to choose my own. And perhaps? I have already done it again. Not the marrying, of course, but the forgetting that I can walk away at any time, fold my cards, and shuffle the deck.

So, I met a guy. A lovely, incredible guy. He swept me away. Sincerely. Like no other. The kind of swept away that makes you forget to eat/sleep/breathe... the kind that feels truly glorious. Remember that feeling? Driving to see that person; listening to just the right music, planning just the right meal, sharing just the right story, wearing just the right underwear. It has been good. It has been so, so good.

And then? I remember that I have been here before. Sort of. Only this time the stakes are higher, the rules of the game uncertain because I am not just playing my hand of cards, but the cards of my two loveliest creations. And they? May not want to play cards yet. They? May want to throw the deck up and watch the pieces scatter and then roll and play in them. And they? May want their mama to do the same.

So here I am. Holding my cards. I've got a good hand, a damn good hand to put down. But I don't know what the other players have. Maybe, just maybe, they've got my Ace. So today, I remind myself...

It's okay to wait for the Ace.

It's okay if the Ace never comes.

It's okay to shuffle the deck.

But it's not okay to pretend I am holding the Ace, when in my heart I know, I am not.

***************

(My apologies for neglecting your blogs, my friends. I miss you all, and will come around again, starting...right.now.)

Up For Air

When you travel underwater, deep under the waves and tides and light, the journey is yours. Although it is summer, I can not see the sun. Although it is summer, I can not feel the heat. Although it is summer, I feel the long days pulling. Always pulling.

And now, I am ready, to come up for air.

How Do You Like THEM Apples?

"Don't forget to buy pears," he tells me. As if I would forget that the kids have an insatiable appetite for pears these days. "And grapes. Get some grapes."

"Okay," I tell him, wincing a bit at the obvious reminders. Truth is, since going back to work, he did more of the grocery shopping than me. The reminders, although maddening, were likely necessary.

That was months ago.

Today I sit alone in my space watching the pears turn from yellow, to spotted and brown. The kids won't be home for two more days and by then the pears will be mush. Sure, I could eat them myself. Sure, I could make some fancy pear tart. Or, I can watch them turn and long for mouths to feed.

There is beautiful freedom in having the day to yourself. A freedom I have not felt since having children. A timely arrangement this has been with the long days of summer. And although I miss my kiddos deeply while they are with their dad, I know they are in good hands, and I am enjoying the sense of calm that I have found. Here. In my own little space.

So, yeah, I have to modify my grocery list a bit. And perhaps, I'll be eating a bit more cold cereal for dinner (because, I can!).

And so what we had to put the play room in the garage? The kids love it!

They can romp and play in those things called bedrooms too.

So I might just have to have some friends over for pear margaritas. Because the kids? It turns out? They like apples too!

Mediation Medication

So, deciding to get a divorce was a mutually painful process.  One in which I won't share here.  

But I've learned something new:  deciding to get a divorce and going to a flippin' mediator whose office is shared with a dentist while a cavity drill is screeching in between breaths of the $450 p/hour mediator who really likes to hear himself speak...

That?  Is worse.

Patrick and I were exchanging knowing glances, kicking each other to (presumably) keep the other from driving the cavity drill through the mediator's head, and even holding hands under the table.

Because That?  Was freakin' painful.

Fortunately we were given the blessing to make the next appointment a phone conference.  Where phone conference means setting down the flippin' receiver, having a couple of drinks, and coming back for the "I agree" part.

Because mediators who don't shut up?  Might actually be doing a disservice to the profession by bringing Patrick and I closer together when we are trying to divvy the shit up.

Next time a friend needs marriage counseling (yeah right, like they'd ask me), I'm referring them to mediator dude in dentist office.  They might actually walk out holding hands.

She Really Is Choosing Her Own...

So, I guess it's time for some words...

Maybe it's been a long time coming.  Maybe it's a rash decision.  Maybe it doesn't matter how we got here, only that, we are here.

I must say, it seems to me that if ever there were an "amicable" divorce, this is such.  So far.  Patrick and I are actually getting along better than we have in a long time.  Perhaps it is because, there is nothing left for which to argue.  

While I don't pretend that the road ahead will not be uncertain and awkward, I do have great hope for our family:  all four of us.

Thank you.  Truly.  I have been so truly supported these last weeks.  Your kindness, yes YOUR kindness, has been divinely appreciated.  Thank you for helping me navigate these new waters, carefully, and boldly.  Thank you for the gentle strength you have shared with me.

(See?  Not too bad for a couple shaking out troubled times...)

Before I share a letter with you (which some of you have already seen), I need to thank a certain friend who helped craft the letter (thank you friend).  :)

I have not moved out yet.  I have, however, ordered furniture!  Patrick has been extremely helpful with all, and has even offered to help hang my pictures and curtains (which I hate to do).  I get the keys to this new journey on Friday... 

Dear Friends,

We are writing this email to share some very difficult news with you. After 9+ years together, Patrick and I have decided to separate and will be filing for divorce in the weeks ahead.  This has not been an easy decision for us to make, however, we mutually feel it is the correct one.  God has blessed us with two wonderful children and our primary concern now lies only with how we can make this transition as easy as possible for them.  

While our relationship details remain a private matter, it is important for us that you know of our feelings as we go through this challenging period in our lives.  As a result of our separation, Patrick and I will soon be living in two different residences, adjusting to separate living environments and sharing custody of our children.  This will not be easy on any of us, but we will deal with the situation as best we can.  Our goal is to handle this as we have tried to handle all of our shared experiences – with respect, compassion, honesty and best intentions for one-another.  While we continue to work through parent time-sharing options for Tatum and Chase, we are determined to come up with a plan which will be the most beneficial for them.  Patrick and I do not have anger towards each other and we still want to be a part of each other’s lives in both the short and long term future. As such, we are still planning on attending family/holiday events together, we are still planning on sharing time with Tatum and Chase together, and we will still be interacting with our shared friends at normal functions. 

This is understandably going to be awkward for our friends, but please know that Patrick and I still consider ourselves very close friends and it is not a problem for us to bump into each other in social settings. We would appreciate your efforts in maintaining as much routine and normalcy as possible with regard to invitations, communications, parties, etc..

We have recently discussed this with Tatum and Chase and will continue to lift them in these times.  Thank you for your understanding and caring during this challenging time.  

Sincerely,
Patrick and Jamie 

Butterflies

(Mommy's new place)

Untitled

The elephant in the room...