Sunday, August 16, 2009

Just Write

When there is so much to say, there is only way way to begin...

Just write.

When there are feelings to consider, conflicting sentiments of readers, or perhaps no readers at all...

Just write.

When your heart is confused or happy or longing or joyful...

Just write.

There is a girl who has never been single. Never. Not for a glimpse of a moment really. It's hard to explain why. A good friend told me, just today, not to search for why. I will try to take her advice. I will search for what. What has brought me here. Right. Here. What does it feel like to be here. Right. Here.

Had I written weeks ago, the words would have tumbled out in bursts of excitement and giggles. That's how it goes with writing, with journeys; the bursts are replaced with calm and the calm replaced by memories.

I have this thing where I find a man, make him fall in love with me, make myself fall in love with him, and then... marry him. I forget to choose. I forget to choose my own. And perhaps? I have already done it again. Not the marrying, of course, but the forgetting that I can walk away at any time, fold my cards, and shuffle the deck.

So, I met a guy. A lovely, incredible guy. He swept me away. Sincerely. Like no other. The kind of swept away that makes you forget to eat/sleep/breathe... the kind that feels truly glorious. Remember that feeling? Driving to see that person; listening to just the right music, planning just the right meal, sharing just the right story, wearing just the right underwear. It has been good. It has been so, so good.

And then? I remember that I have been here before. Sort of. Only this time the stakes are higher, the rules of the game uncertain because I am not just playing my hand of cards, but the cards of my two loveliest creations. And they? May not want to play cards yet. They? May want to throw the deck up and watch the pieces scatter and then roll and play in them. And they? May want their mama to do the same.

So here I am. Holding my cards. I've got a good hand, a damn good hand to put down. But I don't know what the other players have. Maybe, just maybe, they've got my Ace. So today, I remind myself...

It's okay to wait for the Ace.
It's okay if the Ace never comes.
It's okay to shuffle the deck.
But it's not okay to pretend I am holding the Ace, when in my heart I know, I am not.

***************
(My apologies for neglecting your blogs, my friends. I miss you all, and will come around again, starting...right.now.)

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

you're back.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom! said...

ILY.

Jasmine said...

Dearest Jamie...
I am so glad you have come to this spot. I was afraid to say what you have now seen for yourself. (When I saw you a few weeks ago you were in the midst of planning and bliss, but at a break-necking pace.) Give your precious ones time to heal first and give yourself a break and time to heal second... i.e. more than a year. Gasp! : ) Love ya!

Jason, as himself said...

Thanks for coming around. I missed you.

Jamie, oh Jamie, please be careful and don't rush into anything. Take your time, learn to be independent, learn to love yourself by yourself.

Last year, another friend of mine divorced and remarried within six months. And now she is MISERABLE; the guy who was so amazing and wonderful and swept her away turned out to be a huge prick. No, he does't HAVE a huge prick, he IS a huge prick.

Thank you for allowing me to be your therapist for a moment.

xoxo

Huckdoll said...

Oh, how I love thee Jamie.

I know you. I know that this time is yours and that you'll do the perfect thing for your heart and that of your little ones. You'll trust that little voice in your head and feeling in your gut.

Sloooowly. Enjoy those butterflies and feelings of wanting to puke hearts - those can be everlasting if you let them be.

Lisa@verybusymomwith4 said...

This time is yours. You will do that the right thing for you and your kids--I believe you will :)

She said...

I know who told you to not ask why. She told me the same thing! Man, do we share a wise, wise, and wonderful friend!

Good to meet you!

Candy said...

HEY. hope you're okay. missed seeing you.

so GLAD you're venting again.

4 Little Men and Girly Twins said...

so glad you're back! What a journey you are on... I know you'll do fine. :)

hug those adorable twins for me!

britt

Kori said...

Being made aware is one of the best gifts we can get, I think. You know this about yourself, and this time around you are choosing somethign differently. And you know what? IF he is a man of integrity and strngth and love, he will not just wait for you to heal, but will do what he can to help you-even if that means walking away gracefully. Love seeing you back, and love that you are so strong.

Burgh Baby said...

You are about 170000% smarter than you think you are. I love that.

Misty said...

how I'd never been here, I'm not sure. Several people recommended you and so I came to check it out. I love the way you write. honestly... fantastic.

Lisa said...

You are a smart cookie, Jamie. If you reread what you wrote I think you know exactly what you need to do for you and for the kiddos!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

Oh my, that last sentence. You are growing and changing at breakneck speed. That is something for sure.

MelADramatic Mommy said...

When I saw you dropping off the kids for camp, I'll be honest, I was worried. But, I figured if you'd wanted my opinion you'd have asked for it. I'm glad you have people in your life who can help you put things in place and take a step back. Those are the best people to have around!

katydidnot said...

ILY. This was hard to write I bet. Playing cards for Little People is much harder.

queenofphrump said...

I love the way you write too. Oh boy do I know what you are feeling right now. If only I could go back in time that is the only thing I would change. Slowing down in my choices. The best advice ever is not to make any commitments or choices, financial, relationships, NOTHING for a whole year. Just melt into the place that you are and find peace there. Then it will be time to open your eyes for significant changes. I do no mean to say that this would not be a good time to practice and be entertained. Just don't make any decisions. For a whole year. The whole year after the divorce is final date. And that is my advice. Keep writing!

Miss M said...

I'm so proud of you for pausing and thinking of the little ones. It is so hard to do sometimes, but the rewards will show themselves. Good mommy!!

P.S. I LOVED meeting you and your bunch. It was such a pleasure!!

Seraphine said...

hi jamie.
you can shuffle off to buffalo.
but that's just running away, and you don't want to do that.
so enjoy the *thing* and don't rush the hand. remember, its not how much you raise the stakes, or whether you play or fold, it's all about keeping the pot alive.
and don't go all in until you get your ace.

katydidnot said...

jamie,

i'm bugged by some comments here. and i want to say that you make men fall in love with you and you fall in love with them, because you are the most loving, open, optimistic person i know. this? is not a bad thing. i hope you never ever stop making men fall in love with you. and i hope you never ever stop falling in love. you know what's right and good for you. and you know, what's right and good for your two little people. we could all learn from that.

ILY. even more today than yesterday.

kate

Krystyn said...

I'm so glad you are back!

I can't imagine all that is happening and that you are going through.

I heart you and I know that you will do the best thing for you and your cute kiddos.

Krystyn said...

I'm so glad you are back!

I can't imagine all that is happening and that you are going through.

I heart you and I know that you will do the best thing for you and your cute kiddos.

Trish said...

Boy do I GET what you are feeling!

Here are some words of wisdom from Uncle Jimmy's journal pages..."it is my belief that in order to have a profitable relationship with someone, it is necessary to avoid surrendering yourself totally to the point where your spiritual nature, creative and INTUITIVE aspects are substituted for that person. Balance is the key!"

I think he wrote that in like 1969 (probably while high on LSD knowing him) but it seems wise and speaks to me. :-)

James, you are incredibly strong (always have been) but you are also loving, open, optimistic and kind, no wonder everyone falls in love with you! Who could help themselves!

Courtney said...

Hi, I know i have been absent from this time in your life, how can it have only been 1 month since I last saw you and yet it seems a lifetime has passed. I owe you a phone call and we need lots of catching up time. I hope all is well, I know you will make wise and honest decisions. Love to you and the cuties, Court

My Ice Cream Diary said...

Wow! I'm going to send this to my sister. She is a single mother of 3, twice divorced and planning her third marriage. Every single mother needs to read this.

Best wishes for everyone's happiness!

My Ice Cream Diary said...

Or should I have said every single single mother? Anyway, I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, I just love that you are being careful and mindful of all involved.

CRigg said...

Jamie - i figured when i saw your FB post the other day it was time to check your blog. I have a verrrrrry close friend who went thru what you are going thru - she has also never been by herself. 34. and has never been alone. she does not know what it's like. and here she is with a little one, divorced, balancing, paying a mortgage, full-time working mom, about to bound into her second dilio - she' engaged again, not even a year out of her divorce. and yes, i worry. BUT, she is choosing her own. just trust in your gut. trust in your experience. trust in your tendencies and previous proclivities and inclinations of how you know you behave in certain situations. and take stock and apply what you've learned in those situations. that's all you can hope for. because insanity is doing the same thing twice and expecting a different outcome.

hugs, and hope to see you soon!

(And good luck with Kinder - our kids just started today!)

c-

Last Place Finisher said...

I hope that you hold a winning hand. It sounds like you already have two little aces up your sleeve. Just remember, "You can't change a deuce into an ace by staring at it."

Chris said...

So glad to have you back.

dkuroiwa said...

wow.
what an incredibly awesome support system you have here...so many people are drawn to you because you are so special.
Slow down...breathe...let life happen...and remember...what you're doing right now--is what you are supposed to be doing.
How lucky you were to have been in such a "card game"...the table will always be there~~the players may change a bit~~but you will always have a seat...just wait until everyone is ready to play!

I did so enjoy meeting you and your kids...wish we could have had longer to visit, but...that's the way it goes sometimes.
We will meet again...of this I know for sure.

Enjoy the rest of your summer...go throw some cards up in the air outside with the kids and see what happens!!

Jess said...

Jamie--

You are inspiring. Unsolicited advice sucks. Everything happens for a reason. That's what I always tell myself. I hope that more and more men fall in love with you everyday. I would if I were a man :)

You are beautiful inside and out. And so are your kids. They are blessed to have you, whatever hand you hold.

Love,

Jess :)

Tiaras said...

you will be fine!! good luck anyway

The Girl Next Door said...

I'm late to the party because I've been on my own haitus (and can't spell either...) but I have been where you are. I met a lovely lovely Captain "too soon." And fretted over it for months. And worried. And worried him. And hid him from my friends and children. And we had a "vacation relationship." And Everyone said, 'you have to wait a year." Who made up that rule? Who decides what's right for us? And so I just decided not to live by some silly "1 year" arbitrary rule AND not to lose myself in someone else, but to enjoy my moments with the Captain, moment by moment and not plan for tomorrow or next week or gasp next year. And now, almost 2 years later, I have enjoyed our time and am still enjoying it. The kids like him, but do not expect him to be here forever. If he is? So be it. But for now, it's just for now.

Find what works for you and it will be ok. Whatever It is. Because you are Smart, an amazing Mom and a gifted writer, just to name a few...