Friday, February 12, 2010

Endurance

When I squint, and look off into the distance, I just might be able to see it.
And then. It's gone.

If I hold my breath, close my eyes, pray, wish, daydream; I can almost reach it.
And then. I exhale.

I say it out loud. I say it to myself. I talk in my sleep.
And then. I awaken.

If I am honest with myself, I know that I want to live intimately. Need to live intimately. But in that honesty I realize that I may not know how. I long for closeness, and yet find paralysis in attention. I crave affection yet push away romance. I am alone, but not lonely. I am lonely, but not alone.

And perhaps only a woman can relate to the dissonance repeating in upending tones. Or maybe I shouldn't pull women into my madness. But why can't I make up my damn mind? Some days I feel so certain. Certain that I have made many mistakes. Certain that I will regret these mistakes. Certain that my longing will never cease. Other times I am equally certain that they are not mistakes, rather chapters which will ultimately lead to falling action and resolution.

I don't pretend there is a "happily ever after." I know better, and I dare not dream for such. However, there is a version, a version I can see...when my breathing slows and my mind clears, one that resembles the happy ending.

I don't fault myself for having optimism. Or even for living with doubt. It is through these questions that one day, I believe, I will find my truth.

11 comments:

katydidnot said...

word.

i'm there too. but you said it exactly right.

ily. aal.

my verification word is pingl. *like*

Miss M said...

Being happy and happy ending are not necessarily one in the same. The ability to discern between the two is invaluable. Happy = possible. Happy ending = in the movies.

ILY!

Very well written!

Jason, as himself said...

I'd like to say that I hope you find your truth soon, but these kinds of things just cannot be rushed. It is a slow process, often requiring infinite patience.

So I will just say that I hope you find your truth when you're ready for it.

Cheri @ Blog This Mom!® said...

What my wife said.

Except that my verification word is alluvsme.

(I lied about my verification word a little bit.)

Indigo said...

I can honestly say it took me a lot of wrong turns (mistakes) and lost expectations before I found it. "It" wasn't exactly where I was looking for it either.

I once heard someone explain love as someone who was meant for you, if you hadn't found them yet, they were on their way. Truth of the matter they took a few wrong turns themselves, but to hold on they would get to you as soon as they could find a way.

For some reason I liked that explanation - they just hadn't arrived yet. (Hugs)Indigo

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

If you have optimism anything is possible.

Courtney said...

Oh, sweet girl, I hope you find it. Just breath, slow down and listen to your inner voice and once it gets quiet enough you will know what to do.
Love and kisses to all xxoo

Anonymous said...

keep writing
and hold on to optimism

Katy said...

Jamie, I love the way you write, and I completely relate to where you are.

Trish said...

No one can see into the future. Don't lose living in today with doubt or optimism or whatever it brings. ILY!

Laski said...

You. Me. We doodle on the same pages. I understand, but I won't pretend to totally get it . . . I'll just listen. Read.

Your words say so much more than you know.