Monday, April 21, 2008

Calgon Take Me Away

Oh.  We had one of those days.  Well, not the entire day.  But it feels like it lasted about a week.  We had a Supernanny moment.  You know the one.  The one where Supernanny instructs the clueless parents on how to implement a time-out.  The kind where you want to shout at the television, "Get a back-bone you wimp-ass parent.  Who the f*#@ is in charge anyway?"  

Yeah, that was me at about 4:00 today.  The spineless freak going into a parenting rage.  

My kids, three and a half, and 27 days are not napping anymore.

I know.  I know.  It's okay.  Maybe their bodies don't require it.

Here's the thing.  YES, they do.  And my body requires their bodies to get the hell off me for an hour.  

So we play the game.  It goes like this.

Me:  You don't have to sleep but you need to go into your room for a REST.  I'll come get you when rest time is over.

2 minutes later... 

Annoying twin #1:  "Is rest time over?"

Me:  I SAID I'LL GET YOU when rest time is over.  Go back to your room.

Annoying twin #2:  "I heard something.  Is rest time over now?"

Me: " I swear we've taught you English.  And I swear you know what I mean.  I will tell YOU when rest time is over.  STOP asking.  Go back to your room."

Okay, you're rolling your eyes by now.  Use an egg timer.  Set an alarm.  Use a chart with happy faces and ... BLAH BLAH BLAH.  I know.  Shit.  

40 minutes later ... we're STILL playing the game.

So I grab an arm, march a kid back into their room while the other kid narrowly escapes my grasp while laughing something that sounded like, "You poor slob.  You'll never get us BOTH into our own rooms.  Give it up."


So yes, I'll try all of my teacher tricks.  I'll get the timer.  I'll find their currency (dessert).  I'll make a Rest-time chart.  But COME ON!  How did I lose the power?  Doesn't size matter (okay, let's not get into that)?  But come on.  I'm bigger.  I'm older.  I'm louder.  I can eat cookies whenever I want.  Don't they know R-E-S-P-E-C-T?

Don't answer that.  Just call freakin' Supernanny for me so that I can be humiliated on national television.

...they did end up staying until *I* came to get them.  But it wasn't really worth the struggle.  


So, I've now had ONE margarita, ONE Mexican beer, and ONE glass of Argentine wine.  Feeling a little better now...


Karen said...

You're hilarious! I found your blog on she's my sister-in-law. Aren't mondays with kids the worst? Why is that?

Misty said...

Girl - the parent/child struggle is one of the hardest... for me, actually it is the hardest of all.

And.... we ALL have felt the way you've expressed in this post.

My advice would be to decide if it's important to you. For me, it always has been.... at least for that break, sleep or no sleep... boy, I have always needed it.

If it is important, then, devise a plan, and it's going to be a fight, but with in a day or two... YOU WILL WIN. And..... if the kids come out of their rooms.... put baby monitors back in, and put a door knob lock over the handle.... if they'll stay in their rooms, take the knob off.. let them earn having the door open....

And. I love you. You know that. You're an excellent mom, and you'll work this out.

Are we due for a late night call? Not sure your schedule is right now.

tommie said...

I think yours are close to my younger one (Oct 16).

But no, it doesn't ever get easy. We still nap around once a week. They other six days are fine until about 3....then it is melt down city! My little girl will even tell you, "I am crabby because I didn't take a nap!".....Well, then freakin' take a nap! How hard is that?

Cheri said...

Just duct tape their doors. And if they break out, have tacks scattered on the carpet in the hall. Outwit. Outplay. Outlast. This is Survivor.

Hang in there jamie. This too shall pass -- and when it does they'll be teenagers sneaking out of their windows in the middle of the night. But as long as they do it quietly, you'll be able to finally get some sleep.

just jamie said...

Okay. Not so bitter now. Sorry kids.

@ Karen: Thanks for coming by.

@ Misty: The door knob thing -- good idea.

@ Tommie: Yes. Sept. 24. And my daughter says, "I'm mean because I didn't take a nap."

Uh-huh. Me too. I'm mean when you don't take a nap too.

just jamie said...

@ Cheri: Karma will get me, right?

Duct tape. Uh-huh. Keep 'em coming ladies.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I remember those days--fondly, through a hazy mist.

Lisa said...

I HATE days like that. I was a teacher in my past life too, and always wonder how I could easily control a whole room of kiddos, yet one three-year-old can make me loose all of my cool & make a fool of me!!!!
Have another glass of wine for me. And know we all have days like this!!!

Jasmine said...

Fun, fun... Can't imagine it with two! It's hard enough with just Diego. The only time he wants to actually take a nap is right after he wakes up in the morning and still has the morning sleep on him. He usually says "I'm tired mommy, I want to take a nap". Then I say, "You will later on" and then he goes "No, I don't want to". Of course...

Kristen said...

So sorry this was your day, yet, I can't believe I am not alone.

I am also a former teacher to 17 year olds, who I could scare the shit out of with a look. My three year old on the other hand, is a whole other story. Ai yi yi!

Have to admit that this Mama resorted to switching the lock on the door. He now sleeps happily in his room for at least two hours. He knows the battle to stay the heck in there is over.

When he is a little older and can actually rationalize I will take the lock off.

Hang in there. Fight the battle in order to win the war. That's what I tell myself at least. Can you tell former History Teacher??

Stu said...

The drink combination sounds like a perfect answer to me.

I remember having the same conversation with my live-in lawyer, I mean Son, when he was that age.


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Amy said...

You are too funny. I totally feel for you as I have been there and done that. I am glad you still have your wits about you - you can't give in or they'll win every time.

I am with Misty on this one. If its important devise a plan and go with it.

Hope you have a good day today! =)

dkuroiwa said...

"So, I've now had ONE margarita, ONE Mexican beer, and ONE glass of Argentine wine."

Seriously...when you got to that point, i was singing "one bourbon, one scotch and one beer"!!!

Isn't it amazing how our "adult people skills" mean absolute *shit* to our little ones!! You are not alone, my dear, you. are. not. alone.
(you can get Calgon at CostCo in the "industrial size" box, if needed!!)

CC said...

I love this teaching tool so much I bought one for home. And I'll freely advertise it to you since it's not from the company trying to screw me over right now. It is really expensive, I totally admit, BUT is our lifesaver daily at (non)nap time and "you have X minutes to clean up" time.

Lori said...

don't you love those moments when you step back and say... how could I get a whole class to follow directions and I can't get my own to do it?

things will work themselves out, you just have to get creative sometimes

Courtney said...

Hang tight my sweet. I have noticed in my infinate experience (read 5 1/2 months ;) )that an awful day is always followed by a wonderful super sweet day or moment, it is as if they know they need to get back into that special place in our heart where we are overflowed with love.
love your friend, Courtney
former member of LBC

Lindsey said...

Girl, you are hysterical! I have been there....a lot. Kids just drive me to drinking too. HAHA! Some days are worse than others, but man-oh-man on those bad days. YUCK! Those are the days I ask myself, "Why DID I quit my day job?"

But I know why! And I remember just as soon I as get that next little hug or kiss. Hang in there:) Sending you another drink, er, I mean, another hug!!!!

4 Little Men said...

Ha! Thanks for the laugh! :)

Hoping today is better.


Burgh Baby's Mom said...

Two words for you: Bubble Machine. It's the solution to many a problem, I tell ya'. Well, that and chaining them to their beds. That helps.

Lisa said...

These are the days I wish I had a velcro wall with velcro suits in their sizes.

Amy said...

I feel you on this one! My little one refuses to take a nap as well, which we both still need. Instead she likes to die out on the couch at about 5 which makes for a very interesting evening, every evening. Which ends in alcohol being consumed over here too!

Kathryn said...

Ah yes. My boys are always trying to convince me they don't need a nap by having meltdowns. Nice try, suckas!
Keep up with it. My mom made all of her kids lie down for naps (whether we needed them or not) until we were in school all day. HA!

katydidnot said...

i'm pretty sure i've heard the supernanny, luv, go have a margarita, a mexican beer and a glass of argentinian wine and THEN put them in the naughty chair.

whatev. you're doing fine, supernanny, ack.

Trish said...

And you wonder why I used to chase you kids around swinging a table leg or whatever was handy.... Ok that's no excuse but at least you get it a little.

Grannie used to tie us to a chair in our rooms and then tie the doorknobs of our rooms to each other so we couldn't open them.. You think I am kidding don't you?


MamaGeek said...

Seriously girl, you wrote about my day. You could have put a fork in me at noon. Of course it didn't help that my hubby got home at 7!

Pour me a drink with ya!

Happy Days said...

I feel your pain sista!!! The end of the napping era is tough! They will get into a rest routine because they have to! They just do!

Karen said...

Don't you just hate days like that? Or maybe it's just me that has them way too frequently.

I've found that chores are the answer to many things. "Oops, you're out of your room before I came for you, please unload the dishwasher for me."

Michie said...

Too funny. I have days like this all the time - although at least I only have one child to deal with!

Wendi said...

I feel your pain. Really I do. My kids stopped napping at age 2. Life was over after that. I never figured out a "quiet" time regimen. I hope tomorrow will be better for you.

The Garners said...

Hi! I'm not sure how I found your blog--friend of a friend of a friend...but this is hilarious! I've been there, fought this same battle so many times! Today the "rest time" battle was that I only put dried cherries in the snack bowl for R to eat in bed and forgot to put the mini Nutter Butter cookies in the bowl. He said he couldn't wait until after rest time to eat those...I closed the door saying "yes, you can wait", as he yelled, "no, I can't!"

Jennifer H said...

Oh, good luck to you. And definitely get one (or two) of those timers!

OHmommy said...

Oh man... i totally remember when the older two stopped naping.

Hang in there and stay assertive. YOU are boss, the nanny would say.

Mr Lady said...

Every one of my kids stopped napping at one. This is why I am grey at 33.

Kami said...

First of all, your kids are unbelievably beautiful! Great genes from their parents :-)

and you are so funny!

I too have played this game. I have some advice... first give up the game. No ones wins.

I have two letters for you...


Works like a charm for an hour of Mommy's Starbucks time.

Trust me, I know of what I speak!

Jennifer said...

ugh. sister i totally feel your pain.

damn twins!!!

what the hell??

my 4 year old is like this too... so annoying... just lay in there and shut your mouth and relax... i know they will fall asleep if they just be still and quiet for ONE minute... shit I'd fall asleep too.

HORRIBLE thing... but we have a hook & eye lock on my girls door... 2 - two year olds cannot stay in their room with out it... I was constantly marching them back into their room, and yelling and being stressed and pissed off and.... GETTING NO WHERE with them actually taking a nap!! ugh!!
My mom thinks it is the WORST THING EVER... to have a lock on their door... I, however, think I'm a freakin' genius and wonder, seriously, why I didn't do it sooner or to my son's room. (lol)

And no matter what don't give up or give in with the "rest time" whether they nap or not... who cares, you need that time to yourself during the day and really they need that time to just lay quiet with some books or quiet toys and just relax and possibly sleep.

My son is 4 1/2 and although he fights me some (MOST) days about nap time he 7 times out of 10 will sleep and he sleeps for about 2 1/2 hours!! yeah... tell me you don't need a stinkin' nap.. yeah right.

Anyway... like the old moto goes... This too shall pass!! :)

Hang in there, and when you do get the visit from SuperNanny please give her my address, home phone and also my cell.. tell her it is URGENT and CANNOT wait another minute!!


best of luck... and know that you are'nt alone!!

xoxoxo's Jenn